To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

You Might Also Like


HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*


[first 2 hours of meeting]


[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks


If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads


Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.


TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*


I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them