To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?