To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Match dot com, but for socks.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.