@ilovepie84

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

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@david8hughes

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

@Cpin42

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

@dailyadviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@thDRAGnrebOrN

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@LostFelicia

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

@NurseMurderer

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.