To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once