To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it