To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!