To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
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My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Do not steal food from the science building!
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here