To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
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“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
two people or more is called a problem
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Bros before Ohioes
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment