{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction