“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
umm…
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game