To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My wife gives the best headache.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.