to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.