To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
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“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Netflix and awkward silence?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.