[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME