to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ok but actually
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.