To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You Might Also Like
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Woke up against my better judgement again
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…