To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
sleeping beauty
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms