To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy