To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
🙁
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
so weird how every mom was born today
I love wikipedia
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?