To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Van Gone
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.