to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen