To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.