To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: what are you doing
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Who says great literature is dead?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”