[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Oh hi lol
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.