To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub