To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.