To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”