To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
PLOT TWIST:
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
This will never not be funny 😭
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*