To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
incredible
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???