To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”