To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*