To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them