To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Buying a well is money well spent.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!