To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.


Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do


I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence


I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.


My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.


My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud


ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.


Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.