@IamJackBoot Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
@Lynseyjo1 To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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@IamJackBoot 
@shaztaberry Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
@GMPaiella I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
@Baddiel I see a badly-tied bin liner.
@sarcasticmommy4 I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
@UpsideDad My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
@Kyle_Raney My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
@TheAndrewNadeau ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
@TheToddWilliams *bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
@soanim8ed Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.