To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine