To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
japanese corn
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!