to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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