To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
2022 will be better than 2021
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Cashiers are always checking me out
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Sing it!
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites