to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.