To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
excuse me
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My favorite farside!!
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!