To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When you try jalapeños for the first time
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.