To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.