To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
reminder