To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
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6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.