To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?