To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Rt to bother an English speaker
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)