To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!