To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
You Might Also Like
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”