To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.