“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
This dude got his own movie?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?