To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.