To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
That’s fair
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise