To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You Might Also Like
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Who says great literature is dead?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.