To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Phonetics
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.